Another Sleepless night

I have a serious problem with sleep. Perhaps you could say I am a chronic insomniac. This is a problem I've had for as long as I can remember. Many nights I will go to bed, feeling tired as if I could easily fall asleep. Once reaching the bed, I'll close my eyes, try to breath with rhythm so as to become relaxed. Then as if I have no control over it, my thoughts begin racing about and I feel as though I can't lay there a minute longer and the urge to get out of bed and do something else is almost too much to ignore. I force myself to lie there but my mind just keeps thinking, quickly moving from one thought to another. My eyes pop open and wander around the room, trying to focus on what there is to see amidst darkness. Through the window the street light outside beams a dim light across the room. I lay there making out the figures of objects in my room and wonder why my eyes are open when I feel so tired.

I'll strain trying to hold my eye lids shut. My mind just keeps going over the days events, then skips back to yesterdays and from there something that happened leaps my memory into action concerning something else. I turn from one side to the other, beginning to feel as if I could scream. Sort of like it is when you have a sound driving you mad, like a drippy faucet. You just have to finally get up and tend to it before you rip the thing right out of the sink. It is that kind of feeling with nothing to yank out other than wanting to pull out a hammer and bonk yourself on the head to make you go to sleep <grin>

You lay there interrupting your constant thoughts with repetitive words such as "I have to get some sleep". I then try to count, I've even tried to focus on just one thought such as perhaps a happy event, writing something and go over that one thing again and again hoping to bore myself to sleep. Sometimes it works and I drift off to sleep. Other times it is fruitless. There are times that the things I try to do repetitively in my mind bring laughter. I'll say nursery rhymes thinking I'd get bored but I end up not being able to remember one and then my thoughts get active at trying to remember. Then I begin to giggle at myself.

Turning on the television seems to work for some people in providing a steady noise which makes it easier for them to fall asleep. For me it just provides something to become interested in and give me an excuse to not go to sleep. I just have to continue the struggle with silence in the room and laying there and battling the long night's fight for sleep. Sometimes the sun is peaking through the windows before I manage to wonder off in restful sleep. Hopefully there will come a day where I can remain in bed way into the morning...

Remembering 9-11-2001.

Little did we know on September 10, 2001 that we were experiencing the eve of a tragedy. A disaster that most of us had never imagined. Tonight I sit here in a total somber mood as I remember when an online friend phoned to alert me to what was being shown on the news. She knew that I rarely turn the television on during the day but especially in the mornings. I was dumbstruck when I turned on the television and saw smoke bellowing from the World Trade Center. While I stood in front of the television so shocked that I couldn't even break away to move to a seat I suddenly felt a fear like I had never felt when they showed another plane hit the other tower. Then within moments it hit very close to home when they announced that a plane which had been hijacked was headed to Washington DC. At that time I lived in Maryland not far from that area.

Before I could even digest that they announced a fire at the Pentagon and soon afterwords that in fact a plane had crashed into it. There was a fear that took over like I'd never experienced. It made me think of other people who live in war prone countries and who must live each day with the fear of bombs falling from the sky or planes flying over to destroy areas close to them. Even if they know they are likely not the target just as I felt that my home wasn't the target of a hijacked plane the uncertainty of what was going to happen was overwhelming.

I think back about the lives that were still with us that day nine years ago but didn't even realize that they only had a short time to enjoy the life they cherished. I wonder if they knew how loved they were, I wonder if they knew how much they were needed. I wonder if their families had told them recently what they meant to them. So much unsaid, so many things left undone. This is what happens when tragedy strikes suddenly. In a flash a life can be lost and the whole world can be changed. On September 11, 2001 many lives were lost, many families torn apart and as a result I believe the world was changed. Not just here in the United States but everywhere. Every country now knows just how vulnerable they truly are to those who wish them harm. This date each year is an anniversary no one wishes to celebrate and everyone would prefer that it didn't exist. But it is upon us and we owe it to the lives lost to remember them and to remember their families.

In giving thought to that tragic day. It seems like it was only yesterday. I remember most those horrific scenes but today for the first time I actually saw the clear photos of people leaping from the towers at the World Trade Center. The images I had seen back on that date didn't show it up close or at least I didn't see those. One they showed today was so vivid that you felt you could reach into that television screen and somehow catch them and safely lower them to the ground. How horrified they must have been to have chosen to leap from a burning building. I'm sitting here mortified. I can't imagine that. I also can't imagine how it must have felt for those people to be running for their lives up the streets of New York as a plume of smoke and debris chased them. They didn't know what was inside of that plume, it could have very well been hiding the collapse of every building down the entire street. They did not know.

Then as I try to lift my mind from those images I remember how the world came together in their grief. The true human spirit amazed me. I wish that spirit was still so alive today. I fear that people are getting to complacent. They feel it is time we move on with our life. It is, that is true but if we move on before the job is done, a job that will safeguard us we'll only be facing another 9-11. It may be hard to watch all the ceremonies but the job is not finished to bring to justice those responsible and to safeguard our borders and tighten laws. The job is not done and perhaps by looking back on that tragic day it will remind us of what we are fighting for, of why we must not give up the fight, why we must not allow our government to move on without first keeping to their promises to make us a safer nation.

Enough lives have already been lost, lives were lost that horrible day, lives have been lost in battle fighting to defend us from another 9-11. Lives have been lost in wars to tear down terror networks. Lets not allow all those lives to have been lost in vain simply because it would be easier emotionally to just move on. I hope not. I pray not. To reach a place where we are safer and where the world is free of more terrorists If I must cry a tear every day by being reminded of that day, then that is what needs to be done. If those peoples tragic end is used to fuel our determination to fight on and win, then their death is serving a purpose.