Read John 11:4
"When Jesus heard that. he said, This sickness is not unto death but for the glory of God, that the Son of God might be glorified thereby."
Dear our Father in heaven, please use my illness as a tool to glorify your heavenly name, to spread the gospel of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Please allow the illness to humble my heart and make me more conscious of the type of love you behold for me. Lord please allow this illness to draw me closer to you, to make me more aware of how much I must depend on you for strength, courage and ability to get through difficult periods in my life. Lord I hope that my trials will bring great praise to your name and my difficulties in life will lead me to bring glory to you. I hope that the way I respond to my situation will show others that my strength to endure comes from the most high, our wonderful God in heaven. I pray that my actions show that I am walking the path through this life along side my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and it is he who carries me when I am weary. Lord, I thank you for the medical doctors that have been given the ability to research this disease and ask that you be with them to open their eyes even more. Lord I thank you for the answered prayers I have seen time and time again. I thank you for all of the prayer warriors that day after day continue to pray for me. I give you all the honor and the glory for the wonderful results of those prayers. Lord, I ask you to be with those that are going through sad and difficult times. Lay your hand on them and give them the peace they need. Lord just wrap them in your arms and hold them close so they can feel your presence and glorify you by giving their situation over to you and relying on you to give them the strength they need to get through it. Please continue to use my situation to draw others closer to you Lord and to draw myself closer to you. Without you in my heart, without you in my life I wouldn't get through any of this. So thank you Lord for never forsaking me and always being along side me. I turn my life over to you Lord, you know the reasons behind what I am experiencing, you know the greater scheme and meaning of my life. Give me the patience to endure whatever I must, the courage to face whatever life gives me, the strength to hope for a brighter tomorrow and the love to share with others the blessings you have given to me. I ask all of this in the precious name of Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior. -amen
Monday, February 28, 2011
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Standing by the Waters edge
As you stand at the edge of the water where it meets up with land that forms the shoreline an inner sensation overpowers you which impresses the emotional comprehension that there is no limit to harmony in the world. Sadly that only lasts for a short time and soon life spins back into play and you must return to reality.
When life is bearing down on you like a storm take a moment to return to the waters edge and feel the calm. Take a trip to the waters edge in person, in your thoughts or even in your dreams. Allow the experience to relax you and bring you to a special place where peace and tranquility reside. Store a little of that in your soul to take along with you as you cope with each new day.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
2010 - A Year Coming To a Close
When I look back in hindsight it is so easy to see all the things I've went through and it seems so right to say to myself "How did I get through that?" but I did get through it. That fact gives me the will to look forward to the new year and to know that no matter what I'm forced to face I can get thorough it and at the end of 2011 I'll be stronger and a better person because of it.
I'll learn something from each experience, I'll gain something from all the adventures and most of all I'm sure to meet many new people and enjoy many wonderful times with all my friends and family. Just like this year, at the end of next year (2011) I'm sure that all the good that I've been blessed to enjoy will by far outweigh the bad.
So I'm looking forward to the coming year. I hope every person has a wonderful new year.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Seeing Over The Horizon
It feels wonderful when the rough times begin to fade and the new wonderful days arrive. You begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel and know that soon tomorrow will be here and it will be far better than today. There are times when you are going through the darkest days that you aren't able to see down the road to when things will improve. It is those dark days that drag you down. When the day arrives that you finally see the light breaking through the dark clouds, it is then that your spirit begins to feel alive again.
Sometimes the situation improves and allows the light to come in but often times it is my attitude about the situation that truly gives way to the darkness and brings in the shining light which guides me to a more positive approach to the initial situation. It is at that moment that I realize that I've been in the wrong frame of mind, in a place that wouldn't allow the light in. I chose to stay there far too long. Thankfully I found my way out.
How do you find your way out from the darkness and how do you begin to move toward the light?
I think each person has to find their own solution to this problem. For me, it is easier at times then it is at other times. For me, I often have to come to the decision to accept whatever the situation is and know that I'll get through it. I have to put aside worries and that allows me to relax and accept the situation and not be so stressed over it. I have also found that I tend to get frustrated during tough times and this wears me down more than anything else. Frustration really tugs at my thoughts and makes me feel as though my life is totally out of my control. This just compounds the stress of the situation and in the end increases the overall problem.
So I work to find some humor in each and every day. This will at least keep my head above water during a difficult time. Then little by little I begin to face the situation head on and deal with the things that are most troublesome to me. From there I begin to adjust my thinking and re-adapt my emotions. Little by little I'm able to begin to put many issues aside and focus more on the future. This isn't something you can do overnight but it is something that can be accomplished.
Sometimes the situation improves and allows the light to come in but often times it is my attitude about the situation that truly gives way to the darkness and brings in the shining light which guides me to a more positive approach to the initial situation. It is at that moment that I realize that I've been in the wrong frame of mind, in a place that wouldn't allow the light in. I chose to stay there far too long. Thankfully I found my way out.
How do you find your way out from the darkness and how do you begin to move toward the light?
I think each person has to find their own solution to this problem. For me, it is easier at times then it is at other times. For me, I often have to come to the decision to accept whatever the situation is and know that I'll get through it. I have to put aside worries and that allows me to relax and accept the situation and not be so stressed over it. I have also found that I tend to get frustrated during tough times and this wears me down more than anything else. Frustration really tugs at my thoughts and makes me feel as though my life is totally out of my control. This just compounds the stress of the situation and in the end increases the overall problem.
So I work to find some humor in each and every day. This will at least keep my head above water during a difficult time. Then little by little I begin to face the situation head on and deal with the things that are most troublesome to me. From there I begin to adjust my thinking and re-adapt my emotions. Little by little I'm able to begin to put many issues aside and focus more on the future. This isn't something you can do overnight but it is something that can be accomplished.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Phil Lucas: The passing of my brother at 49. Happy 62nd Birthday
A powerful quote that was sent to me today. A friend sent it to me because she knows I like to read comforting quotes. Instantly what came to mind when I read it was the passing of my brother. Perhaps this is something I must put in writing, something I must address, so here goes.
"Sometimes, when one person is absent, the whole world seems depopulated"
---Allphonse de Lamartine
This is how the world seemed to me when my brother passed away in May 1998 at the age of 49. It felt like the air was removed from this planet and that the world was depopulated. One of the most important people in my life was suddenly gone. How do you get past that? I surely did not know on that spring day.
Even now my heart seems to skip a beat and instantly tears well up in my eyes as I think of the moment I heard the terrible news over the phone. There was a part of my soul that was sucked out at that moment. It seemed to take my breath away.
My brothers are years older than I am and they were in many ways more of parental figures than brothers. He was one that I knew would be there for me no matter what. He had his strong personality which sometimes got on my nerves and we did butt heads at times. He was overly protective and head strong when it came to his beliefs and ideals. But the bottom line is that he had the biggest heart and was one of the most generous people I've ever known and without any doubt in my mind I knew he loved me and I knew he'd always be there by my side no matter what.
His death was particularly hard for me because I didn't feel that it was his time to go. I guess we never think it is the time for our loved one to leave us but I just couldn't imagine that he was only supposed to be on this earth for 49 short years. I couldn't fathom that he wasn't supposed to see his daughters graduate from high school or that he wasn't supposed to walk them down the isle on their wedding day or live to see his grandchildren. I still can't believe that it was his time, but as a Christian I know that there are reasons for everything so I have to trust in that faith.
There is a hole in our family, a missing link, a part of us that we cannot replace. We miss him so. I've finally reached a place where I can reflect on the good times in which we shared. He was a very serious man but he had a sense of humor like no one I've ever met before or since. He had a serious sense of humor if you will. That is hard to describe but he could pull off a joke so well because you couldn't tell if he was serious or joking until he had you under the spell of the joke and then released the punch line on you or revealed the trickery. We had such fun together and those are memories I'll always cherish. His special smirky smile that I've never seen on another human being shines in my memory and I hold it close to my heart. When I need to feel he is near, I focus on that smile and gently hear in my soul that soft but strong unique laughter of his. With this, although he is far, he seems close in spirit.
"Sometimes, when one person is absent, the whole world seems depopulated"
---Allphonse de Lamartine
This is how the world seemed to me when my brother passed away in May 1998 at the age of 49. It felt like the air was removed from this planet and that the world was depopulated. One of the most important people in my life was suddenly gone. How do you get past that? I surely did not know on that spring day.
Even now my heart seems to skip a beat and instantly tears well up in my eyes as I think of the moment I heard the terrible news over the phone. There was a part of my soul that was sucked out at that moment. It seemed to take my breath away.
My brothers are years older than I am and they were in many ways more of parental figures than brothers. He was one that I knew would be there for me no matter what. He had his strong personality which sometimes got on my nerves and we did butt heads at times. He was overly protective and head strong when it came to his beliefs and ideals. But the bottom line is that he had the biggest heart and was one of the most generous people I've ever known and without any doubt in my mind I knew he loved me and I knew he'd always be there by my side no matter what.
His death was particularly hard for me because I didn't feel that it was his time to go. I guess we never think it is the time for our loved one to leave us but I just couldn't imagine that he was only supposed to be on this earth for 49 short years. I couldn't fathom that he wasn't supposed to see his daughters graduate from high school or that he wasn't supposed to walk them down the isle on their wedding day or live to see his grandchildren. I still can't believe that it was his time, but as a Christian I know that there are reasons for everything so I have to trust in that faith.
There is a hole in our family, a missing link, a part of us that we cannot replace. We miss him so. I've finally reached a place where I can reflect on the good times in which we shared. He was a very serious man but he had a sense of humor like no one I've ever met before or since. He had a serious sense of humor if you will. That is hard to describe but he could pull off a joke so well because you couldn't tell if he was serious or joking until he had you under the spell of the joke and then released the punch line on you or revealed the trickery. We had such fun together and those are memories I'll always cherish. His special smirky smile that I've never seen on another human being shines in my memory and I hold it close to my heart. When I need to feel he is near, I focus on that smile and gently hear in my soul that soft but strong unique laughter of his. With this, although he is far, he seems close in spirit.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Follow Your Destiny
Beyond any understanding, you may at times be led in different directions than you ever imagined, dreamed or desired. Yet if you had never put any effort into choosing a path or trying to carry out your dream, then perhaps you would have no direction at all.
Rather than wondering about or questioning the direction your life has taken, accept the fact that there is a path before you now. Shake off the "what if's", and rid yourself of confusion. Whatever is - is what's important. Your past is a brief reflection. Your future is yet to be realized. Today is here for you.
Walk your path one step at a time - with courage, faith, and determination. Keep your head up and cast your dreams to the stars. Soon your steps will become firm and your footing will be solid again. A path that you never imagined will become the most comfortable direction you could have ever hoped to follow.
Keep your belief in yourself and walk into your new journey. You will find it magnificent, spectacular, and beyond your wildest dreams. Take Destiny's hand and let it guide you. You will never be sorry.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Coping with Grief and Bereavement
The Holidays
The holidays may not seem so merry if someone you care about or love has died and you are in the midst of grieving the loss of that person and the loss of the life you had together. Grieving at this time of year can make us feel so alone especially when everyone else around us appears to be going about their lives with a “merry” outlook on life. It may even feel like others have family or close relationships around them, family reunions to attend, moments of celebration to experience while we experience the feeling of being completely alone and an overwhelming sadness. Grief can make us feel as though everything around us such as the sun shining or the snow falling should come to an abrupt halt just as our lives did when the person we love died. We may wonder how everything else around us can appear so untouched by what has happened to our lives, to our hearts. And sometimes we wonder how we will go on with our lives without that person. Death changes us – changes our lives – and we are never the same again. What we feel at this time is the healing pain of grief. Death forces to the edge of our understanding of life – causes us to face the loss of all we have ever known about our lives with that person or persons in it. It forces us to realize that nothing is for certain and all we really have is this moment to live.
Memories
We all have a mental scrapbook we add to during our lifetime. That scrapbook is a place of reminisce – a place we return to in our minds when we want to relive the memories we’ve made with the person(s) we love. It consoles us and brings us pain as we reminisce about the things we had and the things we will not have again. Those memories help us realize that the person we love who died is still a part of us and we can return to those memories throughout our lifetime. The pain we feel is in honor of our love for the person who died so when you feel like crying please remember you are giving yet another gift of yourself. Please allow yourself to feel whatever you feel and know that you will have a kaleidoscope of feelings as you experience the different stages of grief. You may feel angry, resentful, extremely sad and alone, relieved in some ways, etc. and the only way through this is to allow yourself to feel and find ways to get those feelings outside of your body. That might be through confiding in a trusted friend, writing in a journal, dedicating something in your life to the person you love who died, going to a special place, etc.
You need to do what is right for you when it comes to grieving and getting through the holiday season. When making plans, please ask yourself if the commitments you are making are being made because others want you to and you feel obligated or are you making decisions based on how you feel and what you need right now? Sometimes this may seem like a tightrope act – balancing the needs of others with your own needs. Give yourself permission to say no to some things and strive for a balance between doing things for and with others and doing things for yourself. Perhaps this is not like you. Perhaps in the past you went along with everything despite how you felt. You may find that death also helps you realize everything you are made of and the things that you need the most. What makes you feel good about yourself? What makes you feel true to yourself? Give yourself permission to do things for yourself without guilt. Feeling good in the midst of feeling bad is sometimes accompanied by misplaced guilt or the feeling of having betrayed the person who died. Please know that this is what many people feel when they are grieving. Many people ask themselves the what if questions, what if I had done this, or not done that or been there or not been there, or said this or not said that. There was likely nothing you could do to prevent what happened. It is important to not judge yourself and allow yourself to have the myriad of emotions that grief causes you to experience in order to let those things go. If you also allow yourself to have good feelings too, you will experience more moments of respite from the pain of grief. Avoiding the pain of grief only makes it surface later and usually in much more destructive ways.
You may end up being surprised by things you think of or experience that not only help you in the present moment but also lend themselves to becoming new holiday traditions. Those new traditions can help carry you through the years to come. Decide what is most meaningful and honor yourself in the process of honoring the person who died.
Please remember that allowing someone to do something nice for you or reaching out to someone can give you a moment’s respite from the all-encompassing pain you may feel. It’s those little moments that help build a bridge for us to walk across in order to get through the holiday season and beyond.
As mentioned before, you may find it helpful to keep a journal like a trusted friend you can confide in. It can also be a good way to preserve some of the memories you treasure. You may also find that it helps you realize all of the things you have or have experienced in your life rather than what you have lost.
Benefits of Holiday Rituals While Grieving
You may want to continue a holiday tradition that you and your loved one did together in the past or you may want to create a new tradition in honor of that person. Here are some of the benefits of doing so.
1: Provides you with a way to reminisce about the person who died and be able to express your feelings and thoughts about that person.
2: Provides a way for you to express yourself without feeling judged.
3: Can help you deal with the need to be “in control of your feelings” at times when you don’t want to just let go completely. A ritual helps “contain” grief because it has a beginning and an ending. Sometimes just knowing this gives you the permission you need to have a good cry and say what you need to say without feeling like you are always falling apart at the seams in the presence of others. Not all of us want to pour our hearts and souls out to everyone we meet. We want to be able to go without the waterproof mascara for a day.
4: Can help you feel more in control of the grief process instead of a victim to it.
5: Offers a way to honor and preserve memories of the person who died and potentially create new family traditions.
6: Creating your own ritual or memorial for the person who died is very symbolic of the relationship you had as well as powerful to healing your inner being.
Examples of Rituals/Memory Preservation
1: Write a poem or journal entry that commits memories of that person to paper. Those pages will bring you as well as others much comfort as you revisit them.
2: Buy or make a beautiful candle and light it each day through the month of December to mark the presence of the person who died that still lives on in your memory and in your heart.
3: Buy a live tree this year instead of using an artificial one and plant it in the spring as a memorial to the person who died.
4: Reminisce with close friends and family by going through picture albums and take turns sharing special stories about the person who died.
5: Make a donation to a charity that the person who died believed in or a charity you believe in. Perhaps you may think of it as a present from the person who died given through you to others on their behalf.
6: Make or buy a special ornament that memorializes a memory you have with the person who died.
7: Create a journal with the “words of wisdom” you learned from the person who died and share it with someone else.
8: Volunteer for a local charity or organization where you feel your presence is really making a difference. (Again, not all of these things are for everyone. It really depends on where you are at in your grief. Please do what is right for you and know that defining boundaries on how much you extend yourself is healthy.)
9: Place a miniature Christmas tree or holiday wreath at the gravesite of your loved one.
10: If you are entertaining friends or family members, you may want to decide on a buffet line instead of having an empty place at your table if the person who died would have customarily been there.
11: If you are doing the cooking for a dinner party or get together, you may want to decide on having something other than the traditional turkey for instance and go with a ham, roast or chicken as the main dish.
12: If Christmas stockings have been a family tradition and included the person who died, you may want to create a new family tradition. You may want to put a few blank notecards in each family member’s stocking and let each person know they are for writing a note to the person who died. It can be a few words that person used to say that were his/her signature so to speak, a story that person used to tell, a memory you have with that person, something you wish you could say to that person that you didn’t get to say, something you wish you could have done with that person, how much that person is missed, what that person gave to you that you will always have, etc. This can be done throughout the month of December and then on Christmas Eve or a special day/evening, you can sit down as a family and read each card to one another or each person can simply look at them when they want to throughout this month. This could become a new family tradition of putting blank notecards into stockings to not only honor the person who died but honor the living as well. Each person could start writing out the same kinds of things for each person who is still with them. It can bring a family much closer and more focused on what they have as a result of having known the person who died and by having each other rather than complicated grief which is focused only on the loss. The season can be easier to get through when we think of what we appreciate in others. It also helps us realize our true essence and everything that is good in ourselves.
13: Decide to do something special for someone else in the month of December. You might decide to do a little baking for someone or a craft that you are good at but something that tells that person they are thought of too.
14: Pamper yourself with something you have been wanting and think of it as your surprise gift from the person who died. It will always be a reminder that you made it through the first holiday. If you feel some guilt about it, imagine how the person who died would have treated you. If that person spoiled you, wouldn’t he or she want you to feel that again in their memory? If that person did not spoil you, why not start something new? Treat yourself as you would treat your best friend. Now more than any other time you need to be gentle with yourself. If it was not the way you treated yourself or were treated in the past, this will be one of the gifts of grief. And yes, grief does have gifts even though the wrapping is tied with our heartstrings and unwrapping it may make us feel as though our lives have been ripped apart. Know that you will heal and there are people who care about you. Know that you are not alone even if you feel like it. We all go through different things in our lives but here on the digest it doesn’t matter how your pain originated, what matters is that you know this is a place where you are accepted as you are, a haven from the judgments of others, a place where you are cared for unconditionally, a place with people that may even come to feel like family.
The Future
Know that the intensity of pain you feel now will not be with you forever. Over the years there will be many places, aromas, sounds, and sights that instantly take you back in your memory, back in time with the person who died and you will think of him/her. If you allow yourself to grieve which means to be your truest self - to trust yourself – to not hold back from being completely honest - you will be that much closer to understanding more about the enigma of life and of truly recognizing the impact that person had on your life – the good, the bad and the things that will always be a part of you.
Know that every loss has the potential to take us to depths of understanding we have never experienced before. Out of that we may develop new levels of insight and compassion we had never experienced before. We may even view our life’s purpose in a completely different light after having experienced the loss of someone we love. Our lives are usually transformed in some way. The “little things” are likely to be given much more significance than they were before. It is not that we didn't know how to live before - it is that grief can bring forth new levels of awareness and perspectives. It’s the story of our life before us and we don’t know how it ends. We are continually writing it and looking back on all we have learned. Grief can also bring things to the surface that were long buried and forgotten – things that may have stifled us in our lives because we didn’t know how to live with them. Grief has the power to transform people and to bring about changes that no one ever thought possible.
I hope you will allow yourself to be real – to be as true to yourself as you can be – to know that it is the only way to really live. Anything that compromises our truest selves is a death in and of itself to our own lives, our own selves. My wish for you is that you will see the value of each day and the value in each one of us. With love, understanding and compassion.
The holidays may not seem so merry if someone you care about or love has died and you are in the midst of grieving the loss of that person and the loss of the life you had together. Grieving at this time of year can make us feel so alone especially when everyone else around us appears to be going about their lives with a “merry” outlook on life. It may even feel like others have family or close relationships around them, family reunions to attend, moments of celebration to experience while we experience the feeling of being completely alone and an overwhelming sadness. Grief can make us feel as though everything around us such as the sun shining or the snow falling should come to an abrupt halt just as our lives did when the person we love died. We may wonder how everything else around us can appear so untouched by what has happened to our lives, to our hearts. And sometimes we wonder how we will go on with our lives without that person. Death changes us – changes our lives – and we are never the same again. What we feel at this time is the healing pain of grief. Death forces to the edge of our understanding of life – causes us to face the loss of all we have ever known about our lives with that person or persons in it. It forces us to realize that nothing is for certain and all we really have is this moment to live.
Memories
We all have a mental scrapbook we add to during our lifetime. That scrapbook is a place of reminisce – a place we return to in our minds when we want to relive the memories we’ve made with the person(s) we love. It consoles us and brings us pain as we reminisce about the things we had and the things we will not have again. Those memories help us realize that the person we love who died is still a part of us and we can return to those memories throughout our lifetime. The pain we feel is in honor of our love for the person who died so when you feel like crying please remember you are giving yet another gift of yourself. Please allow yourself to feel whatever you feel and know that you will have a kaleidoscope of feelings as you experience the different stages of grief. You may feel angry, resentful, extremely sad and alone, relieved in some ways, etc. and the only way through this is to allow yourself to feel and find ways to get those feelings outside of your body. That might be through confiding in a trusted friend, writing in a journal, dedicating something in your life to the person you love who died, going to a special place, etc.
You need to do what is right for you when it comes to grieving and getting through the holiday season. When making plans, please ask yourself if the commitments you are making are being made because others want you to and you feel obligated or are you making decisions based on how you feel and what you need right now? Sometimes this may seem like a tightrope act – balancing the needs of others with your own needs. Give yourself permission to say no to some things and strive for a balance between doing things for and with others and doing things for yourself. Perhaps this is not like you. Perhaps in the past you went along with everything despite how you felt. You may find that death also helps you realize everything you are made of and the things that you need the most. What makes you feel good about yourself? What makes you feel true to yourself? Give yourself permission to do things for yourself without guilt. Feeling good in the midst of feeling bad is sometimes accompanied by misplaced guilt or the feeling of having betrayed the person who died. Please know that this is what many people feel when they are grieving. Many people ask themselves the what if questions, what if I had done this, or not done that or been there or not been there, or said this or not said that. There was likely nothing you could do to prevent what happened. It is important to not judge yourself and allow yourself to have the myriad of emotions that grief causes you to experience in order to let those things go. If you also allow yourself to have good feelings too, you will experience more moments of respite from the pain of grief. Avoiding the pain of grief only makes it surface later and usually in much more destructive ways.
You may end up being surprised by things you think of or experience that not only help you in the present moment but also lend themselves to becoming new holiday traditions. Those new traditions can help carry you through the years to come. Decide what is most meaningful and honor yourself in the process of honoring the person who died.
Please remember that allowing someone to do something nice for you or reaching out to someone can give you a moment’s respite from the all-encompassing pain you may feel. It’s those little moments that help build a bridge for us to walk across in order to get through the holiday season and beyond.
As mentioned before, you may find it helpful to keep a journal like a trusted friend you can confide in. It can also be a good way to preserve some of the memories you treasure. You may also find that it helps you realize all of the things you have or have experienced in your life rather than what you have lost.
Benefits of Holiday Rituals While Grieving
You may want to continue a holiday tradition that you and your loved one did together in the past or you may want to create a new tradition in honor of that person. Here are some of the benefits of doing so.
1: Provides you with a way to reminisce about the person who died and be able to express your feelings and thoughts about that person.
2: Provides a way for you to express yourself without feeling judged.
3: Can help you deal with the need to be “in control of your feelings” at times when you don’t want to just let go completely. A ritual helps “contain” grief because it has a beginning and an ending. Sometimes just knowing this gives you the permission you need to have a good cry and say what you need to say without feeling like you are always falling apart at the seams in the presence of others. Not all of us want to pour our hearts and souls out to everyone we meet. We want to be able to go without the waterproof mascara for a day.
4: Can help you feel more in control of the grief process instead of a victim to it.
5: Offers a way to honor and preserve memories of the person who died and potentially create new family traditions.
6: Creating your own ritual or memorial for the person who died is very symbolic of the relationship you had as well as powerful to healing your inner being.
Examples of Rituals/Memory Preservation
1: Write a poem or journal entry that commits memories of that person to paper. Those pages will bring you as well as others much comfort as you revisit them.
2: Buy or make a beautiful candle and light it each day through the month of December to mark the presence of the person who died that still lives on in your memory and in your heart.
3: Buy a live tree this year instead of using an artificial one and plant it in the spring as a memorial to the person who died.
4: Reminisce with close friends and family by going through picture albums and take turns sharing special stories about the person who died.
5: Make a donation to a charity that the person who died believed in or a charity you believe in. Perhaps you may think of it as a present from the person who died given through you to others on their behalf.
6: Make or buy a special ornament that memorializes a memory you have with the person who died.
7: Create a journal with the “words of wisdom” you learned from the person who died and share it with someone else.
8: Volunteer for a local charity or organization where you feel your presence is really making a difference. (Again, not all of these things are for everyone. It really depends on where you are at in your grief. Please do what is right for you and know that defining boundaries on how much you extend yourself is healthy.)
9: Place a miniature Christmas tree or holiday wreath at the gravesite of your loved one.
10: If you are entertaining friends or family members, you may want to decide on a buffet line instead of having an empty place at your table if the person who died would have customarily been there.
11: If you are doing the cooking for a dinner party or get together, you may want to decide on having something other than the traditional turkey for instance and go with a ham, roast or chicken as the main dish.
12: If Christmas stockings have been a family tradition and included the person who died, you may want to create a new family tradition. You may want to put a few blank notecards in each family member’s stocking and let each person know they are for writing a note to the person who died. It can be a few words that person used to say that were his/her signature so to speak, a story that person used to tell, a memory you have with that person, something you wish you could say to that person that you didn’t get to say, something you wish you could have done with that person, how much that person is missed, what that person gave to you that you will always have, etc. This can be done throughout the month of December and then on Christmas Eve or a special day/evening, you can sit down as a family and read each card to one another or each person can simply look at them when they want to throughout this month. This could become a new family tradition of putting blank notecards into stockings to not only honor the person who died but honor the living as well. Each person could start writing out the same kinds of things for each person who is still with them. It can bring a family much closer and more focused on what they have as a result of having known the person who died and by having each other rather than complicated grief which is focused only on the loss. The season can be easier to get through when we think of what we appreciate in others. It also helps us realize our true essence and everything that is good in ourselves.
13: Decide to do something special for someone else in the month of December. You might decide to do a little baking for someone or a craft that you are good at but something that tells that person they are thought of too.
14: Pamper yourself with something you have been wanting and think of it as your surprise gift from the person who died. It will always be a reminder that you made it through the first holiday. If you feel some guilt about it, imagine how the person who died would have treated you. If that person spoiled you, wouldn’t he or she want you to feel that again in their memory? If that person did not spoil you, why not start something new? Treat yourself as you would treat your best friend. Now more than any other time you need to be gentle with yourself. If it was not the way you treated yourself or were treated in the past, this will be one of the gifts of grief. And yes, grief does have gifts even though the wrapping is tied with our heartstrings and unwrapping it may make us feel as though our lives have been ripped apart. Know that you will heal and there are people who care about you. Know that you are not alone even if you feel like it. We all go through different things in our lives but here on the digest it doesn’t matter how your pain originated, what matters is that you know this is a place where you are accepted as you are, a haven from the judgments of others, a place where you are cared for unconditionally, a place with people that may even come to feel like family.
The Future
Know that the intensity of pain you feel now will not be with you forever. Over the years there will be many places, aromas, sounds, and sights that instantly take you back in your memory, back in time with the person who died and you will think of him/her. If you allow yourself to grieve which means to be your truest self - to trust yourself – to not hold back from being completely honest - you will be that much closer to understanding more about the enigma of life and of truly recognizing the impact that person had on your life – the good, the bad and the things that will always be a part of you.
Know that every loss has the potential to take us to depths of understanding we have never experienced before. Out of that we may develop new levels of insight and compassion we had never experienced before. We may even view our life’s purpose in a completely different light after having experienced the loss of someone we love. Our lives are usually transformed in some way. The “little things” are likely to be given much more significance than they were before. It is not that we didn't know how to live before - it is that grief can bring forth new levels of awareness and perspectives. It’s the story of our life before us and we don’t know how it ends. We are continually writing it and looking back on all we have learned. Grief can also bring things to the surface that were long buried and forgotten – things that may have stifled us in our lives because we didn’t know how to live with them. Grief has the power to transform people and to bring about changes that no one ever thought possible.
I hope you will allow yourself to be real – to be as true to yourself as you can be – to know that it is the only way to really live. Anything that compromises our truest selves is a death in and of itself to our own lives, our own selves. My wish for you is that you will see the value of each day and the value in each one of us. With love, understanding and compassion.
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